daijobu: the ducktape phrase

i mentioned earlier that my daily transactions (proudly conducted in japanese) can be potentially over-complicated by questions. they might be normal everyday questions like, "will that be for here or to go?" - or - "would you like miso soup with that?" - maybe even - "would you like to become a "love drugs" club card member and save 10% on purchases throughout the month of december?"

as simple as these questions might seem, they can turn an everyday transaction - one that was going so smoothly - into a language train wreck!

Example: "blah blahblah-ka?" - i know it's a question because the asker clearly expects me to speak or do something that i didn't anticipate. i'm frozen. my mind is a blank. whatever utterance they provided me as a prompt is already miles away, spoken at natural speed - that being way too fast, and my only options are to ask them to repeat themselves or to slow down. both are embarrassing and there's no guarantee that i'll get it the second time anyway.

the trouble only escalates from here. the asker might give me a more detailed explanation or speak louder to help me understand.. neither helps. they might pantomime or wave their arms, attempting to communicate by telekinesis. though this is a clever trick, it only provides more evidence that people all over the world do the backstroke in EXACTLY the same way.

More Trouble: lately i've been entertaining myself by mentally putting words into everyone's mouths. the man on the corner passing out flyers and tissue paper is making sure everyone knows which one to wipe their ass with and which one will get them 100 yen off at hiro's hunk-a-hunk-a burning barbeque. (mmm.. barbeque.. damn! just a flyer for another pachinko place). the monk with the straw hat and the ninja shoes is collecting money to send buddhists on boat tours - he's chanting the words to the gilligan’s island theme song but doesn't know the tune. i think those buddhists should have their boat tours, but now every time i ride by the train station he gets that stupid monotone song in my head for hours - themiiinnnooooww..whouldbeeeloooost..

though entertaining, my language inference method has only made the question-and-backstroke game far more complicated. "would you like a bag for that sir?" becomes, "who was the guy who played daniel-san in the karate kid?"

fuck - i don't remember. wasn't he in menudo? shit, i don't know how to ask that in japanese.. i'll just say nothing and smile - maybe she'll get bored and go away.. they've got to close sometime.. i can wait as long as she does..

Salvation: lucky for me, there's a phrase that can make all my troubles disappear: "daijobu."

it means, "you don't need to see my identification. these aren't the droids your looking for. move along." (lit. alright, OK, safe). it can be a one word question, answer, 5th amendment plea, and saving grace all rolled into one! whatever the situation, this phrase brings things to a comfortable close. when someone says, "daijobu" the curtain of uncertainty and anxiety is lifted and everyone can smile and wish each other a good day.

*the lady at the post office: “what’s the distance this package will travel when compared to it’s final displacement? please write your answer here as a factor of pi.”

just say, "daijobu." (in this case, "about pi/2 i think – but whatever you think is best. unregistered mail is fine. we can forgo all that formal paperwork just this once, don't you think?")

*the girl at the convenience store: “and how many blackbirds would you like baked in that pie, sir?”

just say, “daijobu." (in this case, "you're very cute, but i have absolutely no idea what your saying. aren't you impressed by my mastery of the japanese language?")

*the cop standing over me as i unlock my bicycle: “after you unlock that bicycle, would you like to come over to my house? my wife just baked a pie!”

just say, "daijobu?" (in this case, "thanks, officer! that’s sweet of you, but i just had some pie. maybe next time.")

daijobu is all you need. it's your exit. it's your good-switch flipped to on. it's your best friend in japan! i could publish a new one-word phrase book, "daijobu" by michael josiah solo. finally a phrase book that actually works.