what are your holiday plans?

- it's been the subject of many-a-lesson this month. as a result i've learned a lot about the japanese holiday season: the hardest phrase to pronounce in the english language is "visit relatives" and there seems to be some global mis-teaching of the phrase "go back to my home town". japanese will enjoy 3-10 days off, though some will have to work through them. they go to KFC on christmas and give presents to children - most of which tragically "believe santa claus". new years is the big holiday and traditions include watching television for three days and visiting a shrine/temple to pray/wish for good luck.

i've developed another practiced, concise, graded-language holiday explanation to match my "why japan" answer: i'm going to "visit relatives" in california this christmas then i'm going to stay with my japanese friend's family in kanagawa prefecture for the new year's holiday!

it would just be too troublesome and strange to explain how my grandfather has just found out that he has worst-case-scenario brain cancer and my family decided to fly me to LA to see him for what might be the last time - at least with his health – and how i would be flying in and out of tokyo, making it serendipitously possible to visit taku for a few days.

pray/wish us luck! gambatte, gramps!

bad santa..

i awoke this morning to the desperate horror of my real-audio, jpop ringtone and the corresponding realization that i'd overslept!!

"Oh no! It's 9:30!" (i'm dizzy) "miyoko, i overslept! i'm sorry!!"

"you are at your home right now?" she can't believe it. neither can i.

"oh no! i'm so sorry.. gomen nasai!!"

"alright. so.. (something in japanese) we can maybe take the next train. i will call you again, ok. please make yourself prepared!"

"shitshitshitshit! i'm so damn far from prepared." i stumbled through a top-speed shower/dressing still wigglelingly drunk from last nights high jinx. what the hell was i thinking..

miyoko is an ecc junior teacher/administrator who works in the cramped back office of ecc with 2-12 other very busy japanese. she's the one that's about 7 months pregnant and spends most of her time performing intensely polite phone calls in her straight-backed, tourguide voice. i know because i can hear every unnecessary apology from my little glass both (where i spend most of my time performing hideously demeaning "lessons" in my talking-to-morons voice). this morning miyoko was standing on platform 12 in crisp clear december learning that the man she had chosen as her santa claus was an unreliable, alcoholic buffoon. i get the feeling she was only half surprised. despite my attempts to assimilate, i feel like i still come off as unprofessional and unpresentable when compared to japanese standards. anyway, i'm sure i only overslept to satisfy her expectations.

weeks and weeks ago she asked me if i could attend the ecc junior christmas party. it was on my day off, but i figured i could score a free lunch. i thought it was strange that she was looking for a commitment rather than a simple "sure i’d love to", but i was happy to be a willing team player and told her i would be there with bells on. if i had known then how literally i would be wearing bells, i would have thought twice about the christmas party.

in the more recent weeks, miyoko occasionally dropped by apologetically to give me more information on the christmas party. turns out it was actually a group lesson/craft session for about 25, 5-8 year-olds (so, these gigs are more like work, but they pay). she gave me an outline of the lesson plan and it seemed pretty standard - hokey pokey and christmas card and what not. she told me only yesterday that i would be appearing as santa clause.. "oh, and please pack a lunch." (damn)

i flew from my apartment! coughing and congested, i pedaled like the wind! i ran through the station and out onto the platform! i found miyoko with a phone call and plopped down next to her. so began a long series of sincere apologies. it turns out we would not be late by american standards (or even technical ones), so i would not have to commit ritual suicide. i felt drunk and can only assume that i appeared and smelled as such. realizing that this was one of my lifetime low points, i decided to go ahead and eat my breakfast on the train (considered rude.. but at this point, who am i trying to impress?).

we rode the train into the distant countryside and got off at a one-horse in the middle of a rice paddy. another teacher was there waiting with a car and we drove a short distance to some kind of war-era concrete construction. there was a strange little shanty town surrounding the base of it. we walked under hanging clothes and past a golden retriever tied to a tricycle. we entered the abandon(?) building and climbed up to the second-and-a-half(?) floor. we went outside(?) and then into a tin shed(?). i didn't question any of this at the time.. but when we got inside the shed everything was whitewalls and halogen lights. i took my shoes off and stepped into a carpeted room of nearly 40 children.

dude, they were so small - i was in complete shock - i had NO idea what the hell i was doing.. miyoko had to spoon fed me every little instruction in tiny manageable bites. she told me everything to say, everything to do - i was so very much a puppet. it didn't become clear until hours later, that she had actually expected me to lead the class.. even the kids could see i was green (in every possible sense of the word) and they took full advantage. it didn't help that the planned activities included playing "*gaijin says" and making a christmas "*kiku mi" sign.

proving that i was completely useless in every other capacity i was paraded solely for my status as a "native english speaker" and was the subject of some mild exploitation when i reentered the room dressed as that hateful red abomination. i was the white guy dressed as the ambassador of cultural westernization. but no one seemed to be disturbed by this image, so i played along (maybe they all thought I was colonel sanders?).

eventually the mass of small people was gone and i was free to take off that damn beard. i had a short break to eat an embarrassingly western lunch for the amusement of my coworkers and finally had some coffee. i had an adventure with the toilet that time forgot and by the time the next group of kids arrived i was in much better condition to deal with them. thankfully, we only had 2 more groups of only 5 students each. they were little tiny tots just 3-5. so cute! they were shy at first, but eventually warmed to the strange foreign man. miyoko still directed me as before.. i doubt she'll trust me near children again - probably wonders how the hell i dress myself.

when it was finally over, i was shuttled to the train station. i was again very apologetic for my lateness (and for my complete ineptitude) and thanked everyone. i was thankful that they didn't hand me an envelope of cash - i really couldn't have accepted it.. but when the money just shows up on my paycheck next week, i won't feel so bad.

*inside joke explanation:
"gaijin says" = simon says, but with a foreigner in japan
"kiku mi" is katakana for "kick me"

side note: i was all over town with the street kids last night saying goodbye/goodluck to the great tomokazu. he's going to study english in australia for a year! i had a fab time, but drank too much and stayed out too late.. i must have slept through my alarm.. not planning on making this sort of thing a habit..  

weekend exploits: okayama bouken

i occasionally have a friend who plays her guitar in a small enclosed storefront near ECC. she calls herself robin but spells herself "lovin" (l's and v's don't exist in japanese, so they are acceptable phonetic/spelling equivalents to r's and b's, respectively). she fills her enclosure with full-voiced reverberations of sad soulful songs and minor key melodies. she doesn't speak much english, but can write anything she wants to say. so, we’ve had a few conversations over guitar and pen. i made her a cd of music i love and she gave me a ticket to see her at an acoustic showcase @ "desperado". i had my street pal ayako draw me a really bad map!

i went directly after work thursday, but missed her set. i hung out anyway and watched the following acts. i couldn't understand what they were singing about, but decided that no lyrics, no matter how poetic or perfectly timed, could have saved these guys from mediocrity. no matter, after the show i found myself at at the grown-up table. the artists were all somewhat acquainted and we all ate and drank together. robin wrote short translations for me when she could, but for the most part i was just smiling politely and enjoying myself. i felt bad that i missed robin's gig, so i bought a ticket from her to see her band, suashi (barefoot), at "crazy mama 2". i had one of the musicians draw me a really bad map on the other side of my map to desperado. (see next blog: rock and roll?)

friday night was one of those lonely nights that found me out in front of takashimaiya with guitar. i met new friends there and was swept off to a karaoke nomihodai (that's all you can drink, holmes). the english catalogue was small, but amazing! it looked more like someone's personal collection than a statistical sampling of western top 40. to name a few, there was an unfairly represented weezer collection and hedwig's "the origin of love". rocked, i rolled to off to see street dude jeanjacque's art exhibition, "air" at a chill cafe' called cheri. the owner is a cool pakistani guy who is fluent in over 7 forms of communication (he shared a shocking number of other qualities with c3po too). i finished the night off with a late-night guitar jam with 3 dudes who were sharing robin's enclosure. i have a lot of fun for a guy with no real friends..

saturday was an ecc christmas consolation prize. the real party was cancelled due to low sign up, so a mere 25 of us went to an indian restaurant that lola recently found (she easily sways the will of the many). the food was awesome and i got to know some of my students a little better. we ate and drank and after partied at the daikon. (not my favorite place, but these days i'll take any social distraction i can get).

rock and roll?

i finally found a venue rank and foul spelling enough to carry the status of DIVE BAR! it's name it "crazy mama 2" - and they call it a live house!

the elevator dumps you onto the fifth floor with only enough space to pay the man and move inside. the hall itself is fumbling dark and smells like a frat house basement. red spotlight oozes from the stage and mingles with cigarette smoke filling with room with a fluid, burning sensation. a green haired man behind a cage sits sunglassed and motionless pumping indiscernible punk at a vengeful volume - arms crossed, he more than anyone looks completely unaffected and uninterested in it. the floor changes level and texture with mild regularity (good). the ventilation system and piping in the ceiling are all exposed and sloppily painted black (check). the walls are decorated with many years accumulation of photocopied flyers and hanging extension chords (check +). finally, the kids are long-haired, safety-pinned, and drinking beer from paper cups! sure enough, this place has all the sure signs of a proper dismal chamber. though i'm filled with an odd sense of foreboding, for me, this place is a little slice of home - let the rocking commence!

the first band, a 2 piece, takes the stage in silent darkness. full on feedback and lights up, they rock along with work they've done on a laptop pc. despite their lack of a live drummer, they lay down a respectable intro with real from-the-heart rock! my ears are ringing and my heart is soaring.

***

it was then, when things seemed their most promising, that they took a turn for the topsy-turvy. the group finished their first song to polite applause.. and then.. complete silence. the singer took center stage.. and, with the exact posture and mannerisms of a first-grader reciting his single memorized line of the gettysburg address, informed the crowd politely of the evenings events. i couldn't believe my eyes! i looked around the room at the audience - he had their undivided attention! it was then that i noticed that they were USING the ash trays. they were making sure people behind them could see. there were 3 trash cans.. these kids were recycling, godamnit! the singer, with a series of low bows, took another minute to respectfully thank everyone involved for their contributions to the nights performance. then, in super-honorific japanese, he begged us (the audience) for our acceptance and approval of his work and his person.

only having completed this all-too-japanese ritual was he free to finally rock our socks off once more. i thought the event was a fluke, but smaller versions of the same display occurred at regular intervals and by every band! throughout the night, the most punk of all rockers temporarily reverted from a spiky hellspawn to a schoolboy and back again! it was a little strange to hear the japanese super-honorific used just seconds before the english, "ONE, TWO, FUCK YOU!", but it wasn't long before i was bowing along with the rest of the crowd to show our thanks and approval.

despite their un-punk politeness, these bands were unusually skilled in both their technical ability and complete rock stage presence. in fact, when they were switched on, they were ALL way more talented than the average group of shit head americans that play the pig in ann arbor. maybe there's something square-peg about punk rock that doesn't easily fit into polite japanese culture, but these blokes knew the score. it's not as easy to get a rock group together in a society of small spaces and neighborly way - these guys worked very hard to play this shit stage and their hard work showed in their performance.

dive bar = good. color me regular -

there's an upscale department store across from the okayama train station called takashimaiya. during business hours the place is a bright shining temple of modern consumerism - a hustle/bustle of top fashion under marble columns and vaulted ceilings. the tall windows that line the front of the building idyllically display giant back-lit photos of name-brand diamonds and dresses weakly hanging from towering, cheek-boned euro-models. but after night falls and the last customers have gone, the stutters come down and the front of the building becomes a foreboding and dimly light fortress. the single dark-red symbol "takashimaya" frowns from each of the steel doors warding off intruders and protecting the treasures inside.

it's here, huddled against the shelter of this same fortress, that okayama's street youth congregate nightly to sell their art and play their songs under the dim yellow lights - and it's here that i've found many friends.

the first to arrive (and usually the last to leave) is the beautiful but silent miss tanaka. she comes nightly with a pocketed plastic sheet filled with poetry she's scrawled onto blank postcards. it gets quite cold at night and poor miss tanaka is never properly dressed for the occasion. she sits on a little pillow and rocks for warmth. her toes, visible through her work shoes are frozen, but she's usually smiling. she rarely sells anything, and surely doesn't expect to turn a profit - that's why i like her - she's happily freezing for her art.

usually accompanying miss tanaka are three regulars from okayama university. two of them, ayako and tomokazu, bravely speak loads of scattered english - so i tend to keep them close for aid in communication. ayako is a real scatter brain and once i get her speaking in english or graded language japanese, she's stuck that way and no one else can understand her. she's usually there with no agenda what-so-ever, but occasionally writes or does pastel drawings for friends. tomokazu sometimes brings his guitar and sets up a music stand to badly over strum 3-chord songs from a japanese fake book; but he's a cool guy.

occasionally on weekends there's a willy wonka-esc character who sets up an elaborate workshop on a blanket to make beaded hemp bracelets and cell phone accessories. he sits cross-legged in the center of his shop wearing a beret, a long red jacket, and gloves with a few missing fingertips to help keep his hands warm and still allow him to work. he really is both and artist and a performer - engaging people and telling stories and jokes. he's a nice guy and a fabulous addition to the group because he naturally draws a crowd of customers and random observers.

a few nights a week there's a 2-peice acoustic duo called monday moon - they rock your socks off acoustic style! they shout in harmony and one of them occasionally put down his ax to jump more or play the harmonica for a song. it's all in japanese, but they are pretty great - i joined them one night and we bonded over the universally known greenday tracks - even internationally the same 3 or 4 songs are universally known by kids who were in junior high school in '94. cool dudes.

sometimes there's a 4 piece band that packs up and plays there every few weeks or so. the drummer has a tiny (in fact, nearly portable) 3 piece drum kit and the bassist and guitarists play through miniature amps each about the size of a bread box. the three gents do a very polite jazz thing while this cool chick belts out an effected blues melody in cowboy boots. she doesn't need a microphone. they are cool and always smiling to see me.

sometimes there's a guy who does traditional japanese calligraphy in black and orange. he always lays out a few finished peices - some on paper, some painted over photos he's taken - but mostly does custom work by request. he gets a lot of attention and it's entrancing to watch him work. he keeps his brushes in expired screw-top bottles of o-sake and keeps a full one close by. his girlfriend is there and busies about helping fetch things and collecting payment. the artist himself is very serious. he sits on his knees with a cloth work surface folded in font of him. he gets challenging custom requests from dunk passers by and begins his work. his girlfriend bows in front of him and places a new piece of thick paper on his surface. he takes a long sip from his plastic bottle and has a long think over his task. he prepares his brushes. with both the orange and the black brush in his right hand he sets in motion a series of controlled explosions on paper. he occasionally touches up, when he's done, but i've never seen him make a mistake. his customer is always impressed and exceedingly thankful.

an older guy places strummy covers of western music. he's managed to only pick the worst and most cliché songs to have in his repertoire: desperado, hey jude, country road, etc. his english is ok, but when he's singing he has no sense for timing or melody, so it's like he's quickly speaking short bursts of lyrics at the chord changes. i smile as hard as i can - it's all i can do to not laugh out loud. but he's a nice guy and always has a little flask of whiskey that gets passed around.

there are other various guitar kids and hangers out who know me by now. every time i show up the group is ecstatic to see me as if they expected to never see me again. i usually drop by a few nights a week at least to say hi. sometimes i stay for hours and play music with them. they are a great group - excepting, friendly, giving - unique, obnoxious, hilarious. in any corner of the world - my kind of people.

terebi

i finally hooked up my tv last night to watch the K1 martial arts tournament. okayama only has 6 channels and they are all controlled by the japanese government's media lapdog, NHK. as far as i can tell, there's no distinction between them. japanese tv is dangerously engaging. it holds every ounce of your attention with crazy sound effects, high pitched voices, and a barrage of superimposed subtitles and special effects! even the "talk shows" are like a psychedelic dream sequence. i'm happy to report that every program is unusually preoccupied with amazing food!

guess what's on RIGHT NOW!!

3: a very old school japanese spy drama with an all marionette cast (excepting the shots of real life cars, buildings, and human hands holding guns and stumbling feet)! this is especially funny since the team america movie came out. this art form was clearly perfected in japan.

35: a korean soap opera. it looks just like the awful japanese soap operas (not to be confused with the samurai dramas and the mysteries). everyone watches the korean dramas and assumes that no one does - when my students admit their guilty pleasure in discussion, they are always surprised to find out other people watch korean dramas too! come on, guys - there are only 6 channels - you all watch the SAME CRAP!

5: beautiful panoramic shots of iceland, new zealand, and japan. baby seals and birds fade in and out with slowly zooming shots of flowers and waterfalls. the time is the only thing superimposed on the screen for once. a mans voice describes the beauty for the deaf (maybe?) and provides scientific tidbits national geographic style. i like this program, but it's really just a commercial for high definition television.

9: wow! it's a dubbing of the seinfeild show!! jerry's voice is not nearly aggravating enough.. but george's is spot on! this guy sound's like jason alexander speaking in japanese!! even the laugh! elaine is pretty good too, so is kramer! this is crazy..

11: a just-in-time-for-christmas infomercial for a kick ass vacuum cleaner! the fast talking salesmen will occasionally say entire phrases in almost english! it looks like he's throwing in the air circulator for free!

23: girls a gogo = three girls in their bathing suites are sitting together on a carpet in soft focus. one is reading a children’s book to the other two who are holding a teddy bear and eating cake, respectively. there's way too much reverb on the story reading and there's a periodic man's voice excitedly commenting on the events taking place.. i'm lost, but i can't look away.

25: japanese pro wrestling! pretty much just like american pro wrestling.. but with more (possibly fake) blood. the K1 fight last night was full contact kick boxing and definitely real. it was tournament style and as far as i could tell there was almost no distinction for weight class!

daijobu: the ducktape phrase

i mentioned earlier that my daily transactions (proudly conducted in japanese) can be potentially over-complicated by questions. they might be normal everyday questions like, "will that be for here or to go?" - or - "would you like miso soup with that?" - maybe even - "would you like to become a "love drugs" club card member and save 10% on purchases throughout the month of december?"

as simple as these questions might seem, they can turn an everyday transaction - one that was going so smoothly - into a language train wreck!

Example: "blah blahblah-ka?" - i know it's a question because the asker clearly expects me to speak or do something that i didn't anticipate. i'm frozen. my mind is a blank. whatever utterance they provided me as a prompt is already miles away, spoken at natural speed - that being way too fast, and my only options are to ask them to repeat themselves or to slow down. both are embarrassing and there's no guarantee that i'll get it the second time anyway.

the trouble only escalates from here. the asker might give me a more detailed explanation or speak louder to help me understand.. neither helps. they might pantomime or wave their arms, attempting to communicate by telekinesis. though this is a clever trick, it only provides more evidence that people all over the world do the backstroke in EXACTLY the same way.

More Trouble: lately i've been entertaining myself by mentally putting words into everyone's mouths. the man on the corner passing out flyers and tissue paper is making sure everyone knows which one to wipe their ass with and which one will get them 100 yen off at hiro's hunk-a-hunk-a burning barbeque. (mmm.. barbeque.. damn! just a flyer for another pachinko place). the monk with the straw hat and the ninja shoes is collecting money to send buddhists on boat tours - he's chanting the words to the gilligan’s island theme song but doesn't know the tune. i think those buddhists should have their boat tours, but now every time i ride by the train station he gets that stupid monotone song in my head for hours - themiiinnnooooww..whouldbeeeloooost..

though entertaining, my language inference method has only made the question-and-backstroke game far more complicated. "would you like a bag for that sir?" becomes, "who was the guy who played daniel-san in the karate kid?"

fuck - i don't remember. wasn't he in menudo? shit, i don't know how to ask that in japanese.. i'll just say nothing and smile - maybe she'll get bored and go away.. they've got to close sometime.. i can wait as long as she does..

Salvation: lucky for me, there's a phrase that can make all my troubles disappear: "daijobu."

it means, "you don't need to see my identification. these aren't the droids your looking for. move along." (lit. alright, OK, safe). it can be a one word question, answer, 5th amendment plea, and saving grace all rolled into one! whatever the situation, this phrase brings things to a comfortable close. when someone says, "daijobu" the curtain of uncertainty and anxiety is lifted and everyone can smile and wish each other a good day.

*the lady at the post office: “what’s the distance this package will travel when compared to it’s final displacement? please write your answer here as a factor of pi.”

just say, "daijobu." (in this case, "about pi/2 i think – but whatever you think is best. unregistered mail is fine. we can forgo all that formal paperwork just this once, don't you think?")

*the girl at the convenience store: “and how many blackbirds would you like baked in that pie, sir?”

just say, “daijobu." (in this case, "you're very cute, but i have absolutely no idea what your saying. aren't you impressed by my mastery of the japanese language?")

*the cop standing over me as i unlock my bicycle: “after you unlock that bicycle, would you like to come over to my house? my wife just baked a pie!”

just say, "daijobu?" (in this case, "thanks, officer! that’s sweet of you, but i just had some pie. maybe next time.")

daijobu is all you need. it's your exit. it's your good-switch flipped to on. it's your best friend in japan! i could publish a new one-word phrase book, "daijobu" by michael josiah solo. finally a phrase book that actually works.